The entries are in, bribes have been paid and, consequently, seedings decided. Due to Covid restrictions we’ll keep all information online and out of the tennis pavilion, so, if you feel the need to get in touch, or complain about your starting position, please email my Mum on whatonearthareyoutalkingabout@
If you have forgotten to donate to The Felix Project, just visit their website (details below). It is a very well organised charity and won’t interfere with Marcus Rashford’s campaign or the local food collection service now operating in Harman Drive.
Here is a message from Felix ambassador, David Morrissey (actor, campaigner and delusional Liverpool fan):
And now to the rules of the Ladder:
- Courteous and sporting behaviour is expected at all times. There have been a few incidents of hot tempers and bad manners at the club recently - please remember how lucky we are to be playing tennis during a pandemic. It costs nothing to smile and introduce yourself to others - a sense of community will help us all through what may prove to be a difficult winter.
- You can challenge a pair either one or two places above you. If you beat them, you will be placed in a new position above them. If you lose, just try harder next time. Challenges may be better received by text or WhatsApp - remember that some people are too busy to take calls during the day.
- If your match is timetabled for a busy club time, limit it to one set. At other times, you may wish to play best of three sets. Decide this with your opponents before stepping on court. My job is not to resolve arguments - I will probably respond by laughing and calling your carers.
- None of these games take priority over other club members playing social tennis. The usual guidelines apply (if the courts are full): those playing singles should yield to others waiting, or invite them to play doubles; those playing doubles should come off after one set. It’s usually a good idea to tell those in the queue what your score is, so they can keep warm or heckle from the sidelines.
- Please email your results to me at firstname.lastname@example.org I probably won’t respond, as I am very busy and important, but you will be able to check the new ladder positions weekly, on the club website, or in the next newsletter.
Here is the starting spreadsheet LADDER (18 KB)
Here are a few players who you may prefer to avoid (a guide for new members):
Richard Abramson (seeded 33)
As the Club President, Richard likes to be saluted at all times. If you have a double-handed backhand this may be your undoing.
Edgar Craven (seeded 12)
Try not to be flummoxed by Edgar’s footwork - it may appear as if he’s not moving at all. Don’t worry, your eyes are not deceiving you - he isn’t moving at all.
Clarke & Maxime (seeded 13)
These two have a symbiotic partnership: two half-wits making a whole. Don’t be fooled, though ... I see future club champions in the making.
Michele Caggianese (seeded 11)
Weightwatcher of the Year, Michele puts his opponents off by wearing shorts that he stole from Justin Bieber. Check him out on Crimewatch BBC1.
Dame Maggie Baxter CBE (seeded 34)
Modest to a fault, Maggie just won’t talk about her latest award. Instead, maybe half way through your match, why not ask her what it was like starring in Downtown Abbey for all those years.
The Reverend Chris Williams (seeded 5)
After 10,000 serves in training last season, Chris now hardly ever spills the bread and wine. Watch out for a big forehand straight along the path of righteousness.
John Kirkham & Eli Joseph (seeded 27)
An interesting Grandfather/Grandson partnership, these two have sensibly bypassed the middleman.
Gideon Joseph (seeded 8)
Finlay Whitefield & Dave Smyth (seeded 1)
With a combined height of 12’ 9” and a gravitational field of their own, I would recommend the purchase of Kevlar underpants before issuing any challenge.
Bruno & Miles Scoggins (seeded 26)
With a combined IQ of -4, I would suggest you call the police if you see these guys anywhere near your tennis bag.
[all articles fact-checked by Serco track and trace 2020]
Enjoy your games - I’ve arranged for better weather throughout the next few months.